Introducing Dwight K. Schrute…

I want to start off by thanking everyone who submitted names for our family’s newest member, the baby cow pictured below. The interest not only let me know whether anybody was actually reading this thing besides my immediate family members, and gave me some great ideas for the naming of the calf. I figured I would give a small cross-section of the names and explain why I liked them. If your entry is not listed, it isn’t because I didn’t like it. Results may vary from culturally insensitive to way too hard to explain to my host family in Kyrgyz (though I do admit the winner has been difficult to get across).

Fifth-Jagerbek (Heeyong Wang). Though I admit it was very tempting to name the calf in the same fashion as every other man in this country (really, not an exaggeration with the “bek” thing), I couldn’t handle confronting my new friend on a daily basis when all he would do is remind me of that delicious black liqueur of my youth (early 20’s, mostly). The other large problem centered on a nickname and I couldn’t handle just calling him “bek.”

Fourth-Billy (Catherine O’Neill). I have to admit that the shout out to the alma mater was pretty tempting. I do admit I miss my Blue Jays quite terribly. I might have even gotten a picture in the Creightonian Magazine, assuming I was selling the cow in order to raise money for some new building or fountain or some crap. In the end, Billy is a girl and our calf is a boy, so I had to rule it out.

Third-Booger (Catherine O’Neill). This one made it up this far just because of the conversation I had with my host brother Aziz about boogers. Apparently, Kyrgyz doesn’t have a word for booger or at least Aziz didn’t want to admit to it. Snot is “chymkyryk.” We decided that possibly hard snot would have to do (katuu chymkyryk, for those keeping score at home). Neither of us had the guts to ask our mother (a Kyrgyz language teacher) what the possible word could be, so we abandoned the plan. I think “Booger” definitely got his vote though.

Second-Pork Chop (Auntie Inee). A few reasons for this one being so high. First, the fact that it is a cow named “Pork Chop” is quite lovely. Second, there are about a million nicknames that I could run with: Porkie, Chopie, PoCho (my favorite), Sir Chops-a-lot, Hammy, GWAS (Great With Apple Sauce). I was really close to going with this name, but two things kept me from it: they don’t eat pork here (Muslims abstain) and my host parents would think I was an idiot and feel the need to explain that beef comes from cows, not pork. It just wasn’t worth the conversation that I knew would entail.

First-McNugget (Catherine’s Roommate, Kristen). There are two things I enjoy more than almost anything on Earth: Bob Dylan and making fun of Irish people. This name had plenty of the second, but I couldn’t find any Dylan references to “nuggets.” If I had (and believe me I tried), this probably would have won out. Kristen, if you want to do the leg work, I only have about 15 Dylan albums and I think there are probably another 20 or so out there. If you find the maestro talkin’ ‘bout nuggets, let me know and I will reconsider the voting. (Ed. Note: Just in case any Irish people are reading this, I have no problem with Ireland and all my dislike for things Irish comes from personal contact with people of Irish lineage [they know who they are]. Seriously, when are people going to figure out that Ireland isn’t that cool? What have they done since Joyce? I guess at least they aren’t the poorest country in the EU anymore. Congrats.)

Winner- Dwight K. Schrute (Erin McFee). A few of you may have no idea what this is in reference to, so I will take the opportunity to extrapolate upon the greatest television show of our generation, The Office. Dwight is not the main character of the show, but he plays a vital role in almost every episode. I would compare him to something of a Kramer (from Seinfeld). He is physical in his comedy and provides the gut-busting moments that have made The Office an object of my obsession in Kyrgyzstan. I would probably speak way better Kyrgyz if I spent a little less time watching The Office DVDs (thanks Mom!) and a little more time talking to people. Anyway, Dwight is a bit of a cult icon in our village of 3 Americans and I can think of no better reason to bestow his name upon the calf. That, and Erin might get mad if I don’t.